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Google Spring Clean 2033

We’re living in a new kind of cybernetic environment. Everyone has a bionic implant, sometimes multiple implants. It’s been a long time since we have had this rate of change—it probably hasn’t happened since the birth of Google Glass 20 years ago. To make the most of these opportunities, we need to focus—otherwise we spread ourselves too thin and lack impact. So today we’re announcing some more closures, bringing the total to 4,055,262 features or services closed since our spring cleaning began in 2011:

  • Google Car, our self-driving car platform will no longer be available from September 2033 as we shift our focus efforts to teleportation. Existing SDCs will continue to run up until that date at which point the parking brake will be applied permanently – and immediately. Please ensure you make alternate travel arrangements to prevent any accidental loss of advertising revenue.

  • We launched Google Pacemaker in 2028 to make it easy for people to stay alive. While the product has a loyal following, over the years usage has declined and now the total number of Revenue Generating Units equipped with this service no longer make it cost effective. So, on July 1, 2033, we will retire Google Pacemaker. As a result, all existing Google Pacemaker subscriptions will expire in June. Your Google Pacemaker remains the property of Google and will need to be returned before the deadline. Revenue Generating Units worried about any potential health repercussions can easily export their death certificates using Google Checked Out.

  • Google Democracy is a plug-in to help Revenue Generating Units decide which advertising company they’d like to be governed by. But since using Google does the same thing more effectively, we’re removing this feature completely to make selecting a democracy even easier.

  • Beginning today we’ll no longer sell or provide updates to the Google Republic of Belgium. Existing Revenue Generating Units will continue to be able to download updates and can contact us for support. We’ll continue to support other Google-occupied states for free.

Of course, this is a satirical take on Google’s second spring of cleaning post which announced the retiring of Google Reader.